All endings are also beginnings.  We just don't know it at the time.
-Mitch Albom

you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn't you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him traveling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love
-Warsan Shire

When I lost you, I found myself.

As most everyone has seen on facebook and Instagram, I gave birth to my daughter, Johanna, on June 14th.

I want to give all the details and I will eventually share her birth story.  It's a doozy.  But with consideration for the other issues in my life, I want to keep her sacred and safe and untainted by that bullshit for just a moment longer. 

For that same reason, I don't really have any photos or details to share.  I can tell you that she's the absolute best baby in the world, that my (ex-ish)husband and I created a tiny goddess who already exceeds everything he or I were otherwise able to achieve, and that I would take bullets for this little girl.  I loved her from the first moment I knew her inside me and that love only grows every day.  She's drastically changed who I was as a person in the best way possible.  And I'm excited to be the one who helps her grow and develop into a functional human being.  It's an honor.

Baby Shower #1

This lady and I have been friends since our freshman year of high school.  She drove five hours with an 18-month-old to celebrate with me.  <3 td="">

One of my besties from my hometown.  She's amazing and hilarious and so incredibly supportive.

This chick is about four weeks behind me and should really be modeling that amazing preggo body.

My unicorn cake!

Johanna's first pony.  <3 td="">

The preggo friend from above made this for Johanna.  It's inscribed on the back with her name and who made it and the location.  I hung it up with one of Archie's old aluminum shoes.

One Year Anniversary

The string popped when I tried to put it over his head.  So I had to hold it.

Loves me or loves carrots?

Fancy German beer.  Maybe I'll start saying he's half Knabstrupper.

The old man, because I love him.

Baby Shower #2

I tried to crop out everyone else.

So now I've had to essentially start over, with the knowledge that I'm going to be starting over again once kiddo gets here, and yet again when I have to go back to work. My new normal is ephemeral and dirty and stinks of desperation. Wake up alone, text no one that I love them, text no one throughout the day, meet no one for lunch, text no one that you're leaving work, meet no one at home, cook dinner for no one, go to bed alone.

And for those who have asked, no. I'll never take him back.

Like a zombie, I rise.

I can tell you that this whole experience has been hard.  The overall taste in my mouth isn't just that my husband separated from me, but that he decimated me.  This was no graceful goodbye.

It's been important during this process to take care of myself so I can better take care of my daughter.  I've had to be quick on my feet and adjustable as well as ..just.. durable.  I'm still human and I'm still hurt, and, oh hey, still super pregnant.  So there are moments where I find myself screaming, crying, and trying so desperately hard not to text him again.  For the record, he hasn't answered in weeks.

I've learned a lot about myself, my husband and my marriage over the past four weeks.  I'm defeated by some of it and disgusted by other parts.  I'm impressed with how fucking well I've kept my shit together.

Again, I appreciate everyone who's reached out, offered an ear, a word, baby clothes, or food.  My shit would have crumbled without y'all.

On Thursday night, my husband left me.  I haven't spoken to or heard from him since, save a text telling me that he thought it best if he didn't come home.

He wouldn't want this on the internet, but that's neither here nor there.

I'm going to be okay.  More importantly, baby girl is going to be okay.  The time, over the past twelve years, that I invested in other relationships with friends and family has come back tenfold and I feel very, very secure about my support network. 

Part of which, of course, is you.  I can't thank you enough for everyone who's left a kind (or empathetically bitter) word or who's reached out to make sure I'm okay or that Johanna's okay or if we needed anything.  I knew the blogging community was invaluable and I appreciate all of you so very much.

Happy third trimester.

My normal writing and reading style has been to do it in my down time at work (sorry, work), but then something struck the system and it wasn't safe to use personal credentials on a company device.  As a result of the shit hitting the fan, I went from working my normal 40 hours to trucking through 50-60 hours.  It wasn't a pleasant four weeks.

Now that things are winding down from we're-all-desperately-fucked to oh-shit-St.-Patty's-day, I'm getting off work at a reasonable time and I'm not fucking exhausted, so I aim on trying to catch up on the month's work of blog posts.  Maybe.

So, life now, as a pregnant equestrian?

When I was lucky and not exhausted, the boys got ridden both Saturday and Sunday.  I'm still taking lessons with Katy every week.  I'm probably jinxing the fuck out of myself, but she said that when Whiskey and I make our rated debut post-baby, we're skipping straight to First Level.  I wish I had more documentation, but she said that my smart pasture pony has the movement of a First or Second Level horse, now that he can actually pick up the right lead.  Fingers crossed.

This is the good-boy face of a pony who picked up the right lead. 😍 #justalittlejointjuice #whiskeytheappaloosa

A post shared by Beka (@bekaburke) on Feb 25, 2018 at 9:49am PST

I made it to Saturday of this past weekend riding Whiskey myself, but officially bowed out after he started bucking in the trot to canter transitions (okay, so submission needs work!).  Katy put the Spotted Dickhead through his paces on Sunday and she'll continue to do so for as long as I can hitch a trailer (maybe longer if I can convince her to come to me).

I'm still trail riding Archie, but the concern now is less about my safety on my rock-solid, ancient trail pony and more about crossing that 20% weight guideline.  He willingly waits for me to mount and dismount at the picnic table.  He doesn't seem uncomfortable with my change in balance or my weight, but I'm keen on keeping the old man functioning f o r e v e r.

Latest on the weird little teeth. #boldarcher #seniorhorse #ottb #expiredteeth

A post shared by Beka (@bekaburke) on Feb 21, 2018 at 3:29pm PST

Spoiler.

So this issue with Whiskey's refusal and panic regarding the right lead canter has been going on since day one (that I actually asked for the canter).  You might wonder why an issue wasn't noticed before then, during the PPE.  Well.... dude wasn't sore.

Whiskey in my saddle vs Whiskey in my trainer's saddle = I need a new saddle. #whiskeytheappaloosa #saddleshopping #mwwiththighblocksthx #thedownsideofbuildingmuscle

A post shared by bekaburke (@bekaburke) on Jan 21, 2018 at 5:35pm PST

Posting this here so I can officially post it on the blog tomorrow. Congrats, @harnessphoto! PM me!#whiskeytheappaloosa #equestrianblogger #contest

A post shared by bekaburke (@bekaburke) on Jan 31, 2018 at 5:56pm PST

I can't be this big already.  It's the angle I used to make my double-chin disappear.  Promise.

Okay, a few months ago, I found a company that offered all this invasive information about equine DNA for $99.  They confirmed that Big G was a TWH.  So when I wanted to find out what Whiskey is, I went with this company because it would also tell me so much more..

Well, fuck me, they don't tell breeds.

So now I've got all this great information about my pony and it still doesn't answer the question about wtf he is.  Which leads me to the other company, Texas A&M, which will break it down to the top three breeds that he could be.  The problem with this company, however, is that they don't include Appaloosa.  If Whiskey is 100% Appy, it's still going to break down the breeds that went into making the Appaloosa.

Also some North American breeds are not on the list, - example: Appaloosa, American Paint horse, because registries are open or partially open and allow crossbreeding. 

Photo by the uber-amazing Britt Gillis.

• Farrier thought he was Appy x TB and now leans toward Appy x Andalusian (because after regular trims, he's actually got pretty good feed), 
• Vet thinks he might be Appy x Friesian, 
• And trainer thinks Appy x Saddlebred.