All endings are also beginnings.  We just don't know it at the time.
-Mitch Albom

you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn't you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him traveling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love
-Warsan Shire

When I lost you, I found myself.

So now I've had to essentially start over, with the knowledge that I'm going to be starting over again once kiddo gets here, and yet again when I have to go back to work. My new normal is ephemeral and dirty and stinks of desperation. Wake up alone, text no one that I love them, text no one throughout the day, meet no one for lunch, text no one that you're leaving work, meet no one at home, cook dinner for no one, go to bed alone.

And for those who have asked, no. I'll never take him back.

Like a zombie, I rise.

I can tell you that this whole experience has been hard.  The overall taste in my mouth isn't just that my husband separated from me, but that he decimated me.  This was no graceful goodbye.

It's been important during this process to take care of myself so I can better take care of my daughter.  I've had to be quick on my feet and adjustable as well as ..just.. durable.  I'm still human and I'm still hurt, and, oh hey, still super pregnant.  So there are moments where I find myself screaming, crying, and trying so desperately hard not to text him again.  For the record, he hasn't answered in weeks.

I've learned a lot about myself, my husband and my marriage over the past four weeks.  I'm defeated by some of it and disgusted by other parts.  I'm impressed with how fucking well I've kept my shit together.

Again, I appreciate everyone who's reached out, offered an ear, a word, baby clothes, or food.  My shit would have crumbled without y'all.

Thursday morning, the hubs and I loaded the dogs in his car and headed off.  The first stop was to drop the big girls off at boarding - their first time without their neurotic leader - and the second stop, after two hours of cuddling in the front seat, was to drop the little girl off at the in-law's.


My in-laws were pretty excited to meet her, but not nearly as excited as their own GSD.  I'm trying to talk them into getting her brother now.

After watching the introductions and making sure they had everything they needed, we stopped for lunch at my favorite hometown Italian restaurant, Guiseppe's.

And then it was off to Atlanta, where we had some time to kill but not enough time to kill.  We stopped at a brewery to fill the void and I researched Atlanta's Mount Patrol, which was housed across the street (smartly behind an electrical fence with barbed wire).

Stalking.

My palate is refined enough that I enjoy nitros.

Then it was off to the John Mayer concert.  D said it wasn't likely that he would play my high school/college favorites, but I squealed and slapped D's shoulder when "Wonderland" and "Neon" started.  I don't even really like music, but it was awesome.


We were hungry afterwards, but getting back to the hotel took forever.  Wife stepped up to the plate and called a pizza place four minutes before they closed to ask very kindly if they would deliver two pies to us.  They did and I showered them with thanks (and money).

This was really weird - behind the first curtain was the shower and behind the second was the toilet.

The next morning we slept in before packing everything up.  We'd only planned a night in Atlanta.  D heard about a breakfast place called Flying Biscuit Cafe.  The wait was forever, but food, oh my god, the food.  We ordered a little bit of everything and just gorged ourselves.

I thought I hated all of Atlanta and then we discovered Midtown.  <3

After breakfast, I spent too much money at my favorite why-the-fuck-isn't-this-in-Savannah store:  Ikea.  Planters and frames and dog food containers (repurposed recycle bins).  Then we wandered at Ponce City Market, which looks like the Highline in NYC, but doesn't have any of the cool niche sellers.  And after that, it was off to Athens.



We stopped off at a grocery store to get munchies and found nine cases of my favorite beer.  It's been discontinued, and that was nine more cases than I've seen in the last six months.  Then checking in and naps before going to our favorite Athens restaurant, the Trappeze Pub.  They make a vegetarian reuben and it is to die for.



The next morning had us up early - breakfast at Mama's Boy (another Athens favorite) before the hubs dropped me off for the UGA Horse Owner's Seminar.  I'm not going to go into details about that, but I did win an adorable saddle pad through silent auction.  I'll write the lectures up and post them every week or so - only six.

Goat cheese and spinach.

He picked me up at five (when I was perfectly burnt out on surrounding myself with other crazy horsewomen) and we headed off to our favorite brewery, Terrapin.  Then off to a place called White Tiger Gourmet, that was featured on some travel show at some point, and had the epitome of Athens charm, with the bathroom around back (this happens a lot, I think).  I had a BBQ tofu sandwich and inhaled both pimento cheese and macaroni sides.  It was phenomenal.  I don't remember talking or breathing while shoving food into my face.




A shower and a nap later, we ran to a little cinnamon roll shop before calling it a night.  Early up the next morning, we were headed back home.

Hed-vig.  Think it in German, guys.

On that note, I think I've mentioned this before, but it isn't Becca.  It's Bee-ka.  Thank my older brother and his speech impediment.

If you follow me on Instagram, you've already seen photos of the little monster that has won our collective hearts.



I'd planned on Savannah and Birgette being only dogs for a while after losing Scarlette, but my heart just couldn't take it.  I started applying at local rescues, either specific for GSDs or those that currently had available GSDs.  For two of the rescues, the dogs that we were interested in were adopted before the ink was dry on our applications.  Then, late one night, D found New Beginnings Shepherd Rescue.




He'd tried to show me the available adults, but they also had a litter of puppies.  PUPPIES.  I'm all for adult dog adoption, but goddammit, I wanted a puppy.  So much of my life lately has been things that I can't control, but I could fight for a puppy.  I could struggle with a puppy - midnight potty breaks and chewing my feet and convincing the hubs that this was a good idea.  (This is very similar to my logic behind the Whisk.)  There's also this difference - a rescue adult dog is appreciative of the ample treats, the affection, the continuous regular feedings.  They show their joy for the things they've lacked.  A puppy just shows joy for everything - I'm equal to the string she found on the floor, the kibble hitting her dish, the grass she rolls in.  Her joy is infectious and has nothing to do with what she's missed in life.




I filled out the application the next day and was approved within a couple of days.  They asked me which puppy I was interested in and I tried to find one that I didn't think would look like Birgette, so I picked Butterfinger.  I also really, really love Butterfingers.  And Heath bars.  And Snickers.

On Sunday, the hubs and I drove about two hours to a city outside of Charleston (I use "city" loosely) to meet and finalize the paperwork on our new puppy.

I found an obscure BBQ restaurant in the middle of nowhere that had phenomenal reviews and a buffet.

She's nine weeks old and was born with the rescue.  Her mom was an owner-surrender, and the owner was evidently upset that she'd gotten herself knocked up, but not enough to invest in having her spayed.  The sire was another GSD from down the road (I'm just hoping they weren't kin).  Black and tan and sable, respectively.







There were thirteen puppies originally and only seven survived.  The rescue said that they supplemented normal feedings with bottle feedings, because mom just wasn't in the best condition.  People suck.  So they were well-handled, well-socialized and really seem to have gotten the best care.  A little ribby, but none of my other animals have been accused of being skinny, so we'll fix that.

Roughly eleven years' difference - also, from mine and D's first date.  :)

I knew something was missing in my life and I've been desperately trying to fill that void (hello, alcohol?), and she's doing a damn good job.

I'm going to try to make a more concerted effort to write consistently, now that I have two ponies and a weekly jump lesson on Ox to record.  Fingers crossed.

In this theme, I'm going to recap every fucking thing.

Dogs:
Birgette has been with us for six months and is amazing... except she has allergies and eats poop, but she still gives the best cuddles.

Scarlette's tumor has at least doubled in size in two months, and she's ripped it open, and it's infected.  So she'll have surgery next week.  Between the time of writing and posting this, Scarlette crashed.  This very second, she's at my vet's office, on fluids.  We don't know if she suffered heat stroke or if her cancer has become systemic.  I feel like life is really just various depths of hell.

Savannah is still my heart and still a fucking saint.  Go Banana.

Yes, that is a crib mattress.  No, it wasn't meant for my baby.  It got really good reviews for dogs!

My friend teaching me to flag/sack a horse.

He'll stand right there all day, until I walk over.

Looking at my boys from Ox's back.

I sat in the same spot for three days and watched TV.

Whiskey.